THE BRIGHT LIGHTS

Mark Bright is a cock end. There. I said it. Mark Bright is useless. I mean, no co-commentator seems to be able to add anything to a broadcast. When I was in Germany for the World Cup – or Weltmeisterschaft – in 2006, I was struck by how their commentary teams consisted of just a single commentator. They were completely unable to chat bullshit on the proviso they had nobody to listen to the bullshit they were chatting. Even though they were speaking German, I understood almost everything they said as their commentary job involved telling the audience who was on the ball. That is a commentator’s job. During this year’s European Championships, inane comments from the sidekick – whether it be Mick McCarthy or Jim Beglin or some other former footballer – have been a source of constant frustration. Especially Mark Bright? Just fuck off.

My hatred for Mark Bright stems from when I was a youthful bairn and he and Ian Wright were banging in P****e goals for fun whilst we languished consistently below them in the table. But his abilities as a sports ‘pundit’, ‘co-commentator’ or even as a ‘person’ seem highly limited. I know this is the BBC – a channel that employs Alan Pardew as a pundit despite it being only a few seasons since he referred to a challenge as ‘rape’ because he’s a football management genius now he’s had one good season with a club looked upon too kindly with constant sentimental eyes (incidentally, if you write Pardew into predictive text, ‘rape’ is a word that you’ll be confronted with). 

Bright works for BBC London as well you know. That’s where we Londonites get to see him in all his local news glory. It’s amazing how he can turn any conversation on to his favourite little team in red and blue from south London. To give you an idea of the ridiculous P****e brain that is contained within his head, here are some of my gripes with the twatface (and we haven’t even included the fact that he hates the Albion more than we hate him): 

1. Bright’s utter contempt for flares at this tournament 

2. His insistence last night that Davids Silva and Villa are one in the same 
3. Bright has twice confused AFC Wimbledon with MK Don’ts on Late Kick Off 
4. His incapability to commend anything a defender does (Bright was a striker, you know) 
5. Bright once said: “If Everton finish in a Champions League place, they'll play in the Champions League” 
6. And he once detailed how: “Sunderland are breathing down the shorts of Wigan” 
7. "Fraizer Campbell has two great feet... left and right" 
8. Did we mention he played for the scum? 
9. His name rhymes with shite

Try and get through the rest of this tournament with him spouting inane crap to you in your own living room – it won’t be easy but it will have to be done. It’s yet another reason why domestic football at Falmer will always be better than International football. Roll on the new season, if only we can get away from Mark Bright’