NIGHTMARE AT FALMER

This headline could be pretty much be following any match played at our swanky home ground this season. Don’t worry, it’s not - it's much worse than that. After reading Carter’s hilarious Halloween Albion XI of November 2010 we posted yesterday, what better time to do an updated version? Be warned, it lacks the witticism of Carter and some puns are spookily bad. But it is up to date...

So we start with two relics - or stalwarts - from November 2010. In goal we have Casper (the friendly ghost) Ankergren, smoking Marlborough Lights. In fact, seeing as he is a friendly ghost and this is Halloween, a time for fear, he is more of a scary proposition should he fall asleep with a fag in his mouth - that’s how fires start. At right back is Iñigo Cauldron. The King of the Basque country is routinely known to boil an eye of newt with a toe of frog, a scale of dragon and a tooth of wolf for dinner. Kazombie LuaLua isn’t convinced by his vice captain’s dinner choices - he opts for Nando’s - and, as a result, is on the bench.

At right back, Boo-no Saltor, who will demonstrate his deadly touch and fearless shooting. He is the one player who certainly gets the heart racing, and not always in a good way. The centre backs include captain Gordon Fear, who certainly put his surname into Robert Lewandowski when playing for Scotland against Poland the other week. The other centre back is Lewis Dunk - either on the basis that everyone dunks their heads for apple bobbing this time of year or for his brief association with the voyeurism trial (in which several Albion players put the fear into that poor woman).

Moving into midfield now and Rohan Wince will start as the holding player, the new Liam Throatcutt if you like. After Rohan smashed in that screamer at Swindon earlier this season, Wes ‘Anderson’ Foderingham winces at the thought. Jake Forster-Casket sits in the middle of midfield. In his spare time he hangs out with Ian Hart, gaining tips on the best ways to make wooden coffins. As we have started to run out of strikers for this exercise (or do I mean the season?), alongside Foster-Casket, is Danny Horror, the Dutchman who recently signed from ADO Den Haag. Did you know that ADO stands for the All Death Occult?

What kind of blog post would this be without mentioning Phantom McCourt? This ghostlike figure seemingly only appears for the last ten minutes of matches and floats around like a majestic ballerina who’s been given permission to play football. If only he would float around for 90 minutes rather than when the game is already lost. McCourt can play right wing for this Halloween match. On the left, we’d have to play Kemy Disgusting, which is either his Halloween name or what all Albionites should refer to him for the disgusting amount of wages he’s blagged for his 13 games a season.

It’s certainly scary with Chris Ooooo’Grady leading the front line. But, surely the whole point of this team would be to scare the opposition, not the home fans. He may never get a goal, but he is sure to find a ghoul this Halloween.

Oh no, I’ve just realised that, like Sami Hyypiä, I’ve forgotten about Nzuzi Tombstone. Stick him on the bench.

And, of course, they would be presided over by interim manager Nathan Moans, who has the job after Sami’s head went on the block and he got hanged out to dry. On the bench we could have David Stockdowl, Adam Chicken and Sam Bulldog. Oh hang on, this is the Albion animal XI now. That reminds me, I once did a gardening XI simply because of Perry Digweed - where on earth was Gary Gardner then?